96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
