I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
