We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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