remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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