he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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