I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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