My Higher Power is John Stamos
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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