you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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