i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
