Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You took a bar mat shot.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Randomize
