I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
