Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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