I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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