The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
