The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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