I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
