Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
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