So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
