she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
