I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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