mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
