and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
