Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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