this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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