I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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