You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
