I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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