Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
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I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
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Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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