Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
