If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
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