fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
