theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
