if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
