So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
