Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
