WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
My vagina just clenched in fear
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
