do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
