there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize