He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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