Jerry, you need to find god
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
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I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
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I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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