last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Boobs are out for the taking
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
