He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
