I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
