my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
