i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
