i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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