tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
