I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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