Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
