I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
