and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Randomize
