Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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