If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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