I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
