I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
