if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
