Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
