my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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