Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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