brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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