I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
